me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
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“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.