5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes