One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
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[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.