The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
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I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!