Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
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Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”