Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
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Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Cha-ching is my safe word
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.