I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
All is fair in drunk and war.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.