Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
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*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
There is wisdom there.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no