ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
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Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
“you recording!?”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter