ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
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saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.