Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.