If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
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Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
boat question
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.