[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
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Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
ready to be harvested
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.