(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
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my dad has had enough
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.