When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
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#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Just say no
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
This week’s mood.