*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
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When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
my first day as a raccoon
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead