Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
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I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I identify as an antique shop.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.