I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
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When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.