馃幍 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 馃幎
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Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
A great tip. #CakeRex
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he鈥檚 about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 馃檪