Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
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“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.