PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
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So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
At Walmart during the holidays like..
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.