“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
You Might Also Like
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me