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things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa