What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
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Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.