A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Bro what is this
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*