pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
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My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
WTF IS THAT!
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.