Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
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My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet