Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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How animals would run if they were human
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”