Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.