Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
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standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I am having an out of money experience.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
yeah not falling for this one
work smarter, not harder
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
The options really are this bad
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.