“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT