Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
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My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.