Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
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god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.