Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
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Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
good work, everybody
TRAIN’S HERE
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED