Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife