I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.