99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
You Might Also Like
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I hate when that happens.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.