A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.