I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that