*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
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[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.