(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
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My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.