The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
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My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious