2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
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shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
It’s an epidemic…
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Very good news from my accountant
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*