My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
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It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”