Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
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When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?