I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
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me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children