Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.