Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
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[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon