You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
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dream blunt rotation
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Bruh PLEASE
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.