I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
You Might Also Like
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable